ALERT: Unemployed Job Seeker Public Service Announcement!
Unemployed Job Seekers: I need to tell you about this virus that is going around, seeking to kill, steal, and destroy your job hunting success.
It’s an insidious disease. A monster of epic evil proportions, sent by the devil himself to trip you up, shut you out, and rejoice over every. single. rejection. email. It’s strings swing to the tune of “more qualified candidates…”
Beware the Wrath of the Sweatpants.
Sound funny? I assure you this epidemic is not a laughing matter. Husbands and wives have fallen into despair, marriages have crumbled, debts have mounted, beautiful homes lost, cars repossessed over the Creep of the Sweatpant.
It’s so innocent at first. You are at home, now unemployed and on the job market. It’s unusual to be sitting in your house in the middle of the day, the afternoon’s too-bright light coming through the open blinds (you didn’t realize it was so bright since you’ve been in a cubicle for decades), the silence a little unnerving so you turn on some music. The ice cream whispers your name from inside the freezer, daytime television hasn’t been this addicting in years, and OH the free time to waste on Facebook! The memes, the cat memes, where have you been all of my life?
But you’re resilient. You have a mission. You open that computer and faithfully scroll through Indeed.com and Careerbuilder, checking out the new job postings, sending off your resume, quietly cursing over the ones you have to fill out the complete, obnoxious, stupid application on Taleo on their website instead of the click of one button. (What are they THINKING?) You read articles on Top 10 Ways to Get Around An ATS and Top 10 Best Interview Questions and Top 10 All Kinds of Other Useless Crap You Don’t Realize You Can Totally Skip. But it’s okay. It’s still new.
You got dressed this first morning. But then you realized somewhere around 1 pm that those trusty sweatpants that were only reserved for the weekends and evenings sound SO comfortable right now. So you slip them on and let out a little sigh of relief. Comfort. Safety.
The poison has just been quietly injected into your veins.
What you don’t realize is the downhill spiral has begun. Please listen to me…ALL UNEMPLOYED JOB SEEKERS ARE ALLERGIC TO SWEATPANTS.
Too bad. You just are. Deal with it, accept it, avoid them like the plague.
Tomorrow you will wear the sweatpants again. And the next day. And pretty much every day after that. If you have not found a job in about a month and find yourself still unemployed, you will realize that one day, you have been wearing those sweatpants for four days and haven’t taken a shower. You never took them off. You probably haven’t gone outside, unless you were forced to go to the grocery store due to lack of ice cream that now screams your name instead of whispering.
Sweatpants are a parasite to your mental health when you are unemployed and job seeking. Every excuse originates in the disillusionment of those oversized pants. The despair is complete with the tying of the strings.
Do not get comfortable in your unemployment. If the unemployment drags on, keep your normal schedule and find a routine. Keep getting up at 7:00 am, don’t sleep in until 11. Volunteer at the local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Get. out. of. the. house. Talk to people. Help others. Go back to school. If you can’t afford it, fine, that’s no excuse for learning something new on Youtube. You know what Google is, right? FREE ARTICLES…FREE KNOWLEDGE. Arm yourself!
Infiltrate the companies you are seeking. Stalk them on LinkedIn, reach out, network. Set a schedule. Exercise. Eat healthy. Find a new hobby. Live.
Your sweatpants are trying to kill you.
If you don’t take a stand and inoculate yourself, it’s only a matter of time before the walls start closing in. The depression. The despair. The bitterness and anger. You will lose your drive to search and be diligent. You’ll go days without applying for any jobs at all. You’ll blow any interviews you get with your aura of defeat. Excuses will become your only communication. Your family members will become exasperated with you, some may even leave. Some of you will turn to self-medication. Some unfortunate souls may even take their own lives.
You can avoid this. Don’t put on the stupid sweatpants.